The following is an exchange I had with a guest years ago as a bartender and is for anyone who is still not quite sure how capitalism and the exchange of money works in bars, and also for anyone who likes the band Nickelback, as I assume you have some sort of learning disability.
Just as a reminder of what bars are not: Bars are not yard sales. Bars are not auctions where you can raise up a little numbered sign on a stick to bid for drinks. Bars are not J.C. Penny’s or Target that have year-end clearance sales. Despite what dishonest bartenders might lead you to believe, drinks cannot be bargained for, at least not in places that are trying to earn a profit.
Anywho, this 22-year old “kid” came into my bar one night and decided he was going to show off his negotiating skills to the two girls he walked in with. I regretfully admit that I don’t think I did my part in helping him get laid that night.
Cool Guy: What’s up, Boss? Do you have any specials tonight?
Me: You bet, the sea bass is excellent.
Cool Guy: No, to drink.
Me: Sure, how about a Blackberry Caipirinha with fresh blackberries, muddled limes and Leblon Cachaca.
Cool Guy: How much is that?
Me: Ten bucks.
Cool Guy: No, I wanted a special, dog.
Me: How can you possibly get more special than a Blackberry Caipirinha?
Cool Guy: By not selling them for ten bucks. I’m asking if you have any deals. I’m a really good tipper. Can you hook me up?
Me: Well, disregarding the fact that you left me fifty cents for the three Jack and Cokes you ordered the last time you were here, I would be delighted to “hook you up” based on fabricated promises of future and possibly gargantuan tips you may or may not leave on the bar in the form of dimes and quarters.
Cool Guy: What are you talking about? That wasn’t me. I’m a bartender, bro.
Me: You are? Then you must know the secret handshake. If you know the secret bartender handshake I can give you free drinks all night.
Cool Guy: Very funny. Come on, you gotta have something. Two for one on beers maybe?
Me: Ohhhhh, I get it. You believe this is a yard sale, where you can bargain for used items, like shoes.
Cool Guy: (Laughing) Exactly. Help me out, brotha.
Me: Well, there’s this half of a Coors Light left in the bottle that this guy didn’t drink. You can have the rest of it for $2.
Cool Guy: Ha, ha (sarcastic). You’re hilarious.
Me: You don’t like my yard sale?
Cool Guy: You don’t have to be a dick head. I just thought we could help each other out, you know?
Me: Absolutely! I love helping people. What can I help you with?
Cool Guy: I’ll have a Jack and Coke, but make the Coke light, if you know what I mean.
Me: Got it. One Jack and Diet Coke coming up.
Cool Guy: No, not light like that. I mean make it strong.
Me: Gotcha, you want to order a double.
Cool Guy: NO! I mean, make it strong but I don’t want to pay for a double. Jesus!
Me: Pardon my ignorance. NOW I understand. You want me to steal liquor from the owners of this place and move it at a cheaper price so that you can save some money and I can risk losing my job.
Cool Guy: Give me a break. Bartenders do it all the time.
Me: I see. So you’re suggesting that I should become a conformist?
Cool Guy: A what? What’s that?
Me: Have you ever heard of Hitler’s army?
Cool Guy: I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I’m just sayin’, you know how it works. You hook me up, I hook you up.
Me: That sounds like quite a visionary system you’ve invented, and despite the life-changing possibilities that your fifty cents could provide for me and my family, I’m going to have to decline restructuring the fixed price arrangements that have been established here.
Cool Guy: Forget it. We’ll go somewhere else.
Me: Sorry we couldn’t help. Come back this weekend. We’re having a Labor Day extravaganza. Buy 3 Jack & Cokes and get fifty cents off a Blackberry Caipirinha.
Cool Guy: Blow me!
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